December 29

December 29 was the day we found out we were going to have a baby! I wrote a piece about it a few days later sitting at Starbucks, working away on the velvet couch next to Brett. Sadly, I can't find that piece. I attribute that to the fact that I used Word (why?) and I am terribly, terribly, pitifully disorganized when it comes to my computer. Anyway, I'm attempting to recapture my initial thoughts about the pregnancy now...

Late December is a great time to find out you're expecting. Nestled in that oasis of downtime after the holiday craziness and before work resumes, it's a few days of bliss anyway, with all kinds of time to think, reflect, rejoice and of course google—relentlessly.  I started suspecting something might be up when we were cruising the Caribbean, but I was fairly skeptical for a few reasons. For one, it didn't seem, ahem, biologically feasible for December. And, I was prematurely convinced that we would have trouble conceiving since it took us a few tries and I tend toward impatience! So I stopped drinking on the cruise (quite a sacrifice, have you been on a cruise ship?) and counted the minutes until we'd be back in Atlanta to find out. Side note: cruise ship sundries do not stock pregnancy tests. The whole way home, Brett and I were giggling to each other and trying to keep it from BIL Nick, our traveling companion all the way back to the condo. When we finally parked, I mumbled some semblance of good bye-thanks-that-was-fun to Nick and rushed inside and to the powder room with my down coat still on.

I think I knew what was coming, but in five months this was only the second test I had taken. My stance was that I didn't want to get that bad news voluntarily every month since my body would tell me naturally anyway. But this day was different! It came up positive so quickly! A faint pink line, but still definitely two lines. I walked out (coat still on) and burst into tears as I told Brett. I would love to go back and relive that moment every day if I could. I have always been a softie for the passage of firsts in our relationship and I try to savor them and not let them pass too quickly. Do I wish I had told him or our families in a more fun or creative way? No, just being honest and expressing my joy immediately felt so human and like the right choice. I don't know how women can keep it from their husbands for very long anyway! All I wanted was a hug and to see him smile.

Even though five months is fairly typical and well within the range of normal, it felt like an eternity when we had decided we wanted a baby. The not knowing is obviously the hardest part. Well, that and watching everyone else in the world (literally: Kate Middleton, Kim K.) announce their pregnancies. But a tiny part of me didn't mind. It meant that first baby experience would be extended a bit longer, making it all that much sweeter when it finally happened. The other aspect I appreciated was the glimpse it gave me to the lonely feelings that accompany infertility. I think it will make me a better listener and friend when someone is experiencing that pain in the future.

It was a wonderful, surreal day and I instantly felt forever changed and absolutely in love.

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